Casino of Frankenstein: The Final Chapter

After the Drive-In, It's Nothing But Atom Bombs and Aliens

By 11:30 Sunday morning, sixty of us were standing against the wall of El Cortez, as if lined up for execution.

Weirdly, just four and a half blocks away, at The Mob Museum, there was an exhibit featuring 300 bricks from the garage wall that was the backdrop of the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, where Capone’s guys (allegedly) ventilated seven members of George “Bugs” Moran’s gang.

But back in front of El Cortez, I was sleep-deprived and sweating. I hadn’t eaten any breakfast save a fistful of Count Chocula. I also forgot to bring water, a mistake I would soon regret. I didn’t exactly want to eat a bullet at that moment, but I also might not have turned one down.

Two things made the situation much more tolerable. The first was striking up a conversation with fellow mutant Larry, a literal rocket scientist who flew out to Vegas for the Jamboree. We talked about Death Valley, Strip architecture, indie bookstores, science fiction novels, and of course, Joe Bob Briggs… who would be arriving shortly. Larry and I (along with 118 other mutants) had been lucky enough to score tickets to first of two Joe Bob walking tours of downtown Las Vegas.

And Joe Bob’s appearance was the second thing that made me snap out of my sweaty stupor. After all, who was I to complain? Here was a man who’d been performing for the past 48 hours, pulling two all-nighters and countless hours of meet-and-greets. Yet, Joe Bob looked none the worse for wear, ready to show a bunch of us mutants around historic Fremont Street in the blazing sun.

(Okay, it was a little weird to see Joe Bob in specs and a Vanderbilt University t-shirt. And I did detect a slight limp as Joe Bob first approached… the kind you get when your leg falls asleep during a brief and awkward nap. But otherwise, he was tip-top.)

Remember a few posts ago, when I talked about Joe Bob being a fictional character? Well, there is something I forgot to add. Joe Bob Briggs, as performed by John Bloom, is also an amazing storyteller. (And this Bloom guy ain’t no slouch, either.) The stories are the secret sauce of The Last Drive-In and events like the Jamboree. I could listen to Joe Bob talk about exploitation flicks, European history, organized crime, atom bombs, or pretty much anything for hours… which is why I was so excited about this walking tour.

And it did not disappoint. Just a few highlights from the tour:

The Secret Buried Springs! Joe Bob walked us to a seemingly random spot on Las Vegas Boulevard, just south of Ogden. Buried beneath a 21-story condo tower, Joe Bob told us, is the location of the original springs that supplied water to the indigenous population and earliest European settlers.

The Mutant Mantis of Container Park! Zappos.com CEO Tony Hsieh loved Vegas, specifically downtown, and spent a lot of money developing the area east of The Fremont Street Experience. While that didn’t quite work out the way Hsieh imagined (and he died tragically at the age of 46), the quirky shopping mall, made up of 41 shipping containers and 46 metal cubes, lives on, guarded by a towering mantis that I’m willing to bet comes to life at 4 a.m. to devour down-on-their-luck gamblers.

Where to Get Smashed Like an Atom! Imagine it’s the 1950s. You’re in Vegas. You want to tie one on. But you also want to watch an atom bomb go boom. Well, my friend, all you have to do is scramble up onto the roof of Atomic Liquors, which offered you the perfect view of the Nevada Test Site just 60-odd miles to the northwest. “Most people didn’t want nuclear testing in their state,” Joe Bob explained. “Nevada, on the other hand, had a senator named Pat McCarran, who actively lobbied for the nuclear test program to come to Frenchman Flat.”

The Mob Lawyer Turned Mayor! Before he became the mayor of Las Vegas, Oscar Goodman was the lawyer for such organized crime luminaries as “Tony The Ant” Spilotro, who was the basis for Joe Pesci’s character in Casino, which also featured an actor named… John Bloom. (See, it all comes together.) Goodman’s steakhouse, Oscar’s, proudly advertises the three Rat Pack-era food groups: BEEF. BOOZE, and BROADS. You can find this throwback in the Plaza, which by the way was the model for Biff Tannen’s Pleasure Paradise Casino & Hotel in Back to the Future II.

T-Shirts For Everyone! (Or Not!) Before it was the world’s largest gift shop (so they claim), the Bonanza at Las Vegas Boulevard and Sahara was once a casino called Center-Fold Casino, which featured topless dancers such as actress Marilyn Chambers, of Behind the Green Door fame.

And there was so much more. Joe Bob essentially gave us a thumbnail history of this crazy place in just under 90 minutes.

But by the time the tour was over, my brain was screaming a single imperative: HYDRATE IMMEDIATELY YOU IDIOT.

One bottle of Powerade and two liters of spring water later, I felt good as new. Or maybe that was just the delirium. But whatever. I was going with it.

I walked south to The Writer’s Block, the indie bookstore my rocket scientist pal had mentioned. The place is amazing. Great selection, an array of thoughtful gifts and tchotchkes, and even an artificial bird sanctuary.

On the way back to Fremont Street, I was lured into Container Park where a dude playing “Die With a Smile” (the recent Lady Gaga/Bruno Mars hit) on the violin. The notes seemed to fill the empty lots that seemed to be everywhere in this part of town.

Feeling emotional and nihilistic, I returned to Atomic Liquors, because I absolutely had to see inside this place. Step inside the side door, turn to your left, and boom… mushroom cloud. I’ve seen a lot of gimmicks in a lot of bars, but none quite as compelling as total fucking annihilation.

(The hand-breaded chicken tenders were really good, too.)

On the way back to El Cortez, I once again glanced over at the four Frankenstein slot machines. But no. Tonight wasn’t the right time.

The right time, it turned out, was just after check-out the next morning. I’m not a gambler, but I make it a point to feed the Slot Machine Gods at least once whenever I’m staying in a casino-hotel. The Gods, in return, usually draw my attention to one machine in particular. This trip, there was no question: I was giving my $20 to Mary Shelley’s famous creation.

That’s right, Monster. Let’s do this!

Is there such a thing as slot machine strategy? If there is, I don’t want to know it. I always leave it to the whims of fate. And a few random button-pushes later, along with some sharp thunderclaps and cries of “IT’S ALIVE!”…

That’s right. I took Las Vegas for $81.02! (Well, minus my twenty dollar investment.)

I quickly cashed my voucher and slid my bankroll in my pocket before the Gods could lure me back. I sped out of town, stopping only at the Bonanza for souvenirs for the fam, and eventually Baker, California, one of the most charming tourist traps I’ve ever encountered.

I don’t know if there have been any UFO sightings near Baker (though NASA did test the Mars Rover nearby), but this town has seriously leaned into the alien thing. And I love it. I bought the alien beef jerky, the alien bottle opener (so I’m fully prepared for the next Jamboree), the astronaut ice cream, the little stuffed green men. And when they finish the UFO hotel next door, I will be staying there ASAP.

But now it was time to return to reality (and deadlines). On the way back to L.A. I listened to perhaps the perfect podcast episode: Paul Giamatti’s and Stephen Asma’s Chinwag interview with Prof. Avi Loeb, a Harvard theoretical physicist and “space detective.” That last part is no joke. Loeb has an amazing story about tracking down a (possibly) interstellar object that landed in the Pacific Ocean a while back, and the scientific detective work is jaw-dropping.

Thanks for joining me for this recap of my little drive-in vacation. I intended this to be a single newsletter, but then it… mutated. Which is only appropriate, I suppose.